Help my unbelief.

A special note for whoever needs to hear it. Me, that person is me.

I had a movie on in the kitchen while I putzed around, weak and shivered, slapping peanut butter on bread because I was also responsible for hungry children. I really wish I could tell you what movie I was watching, but a man said something like, “I spent my whole life wanting more, but all I really wanted was here with me, the entire time.” He was referring to his family, his children, lamenting on the time he lost with them.

A couple week’s ago, I shared my workout routine with hundreds of you asking for it. Along with it, I shared the supplements I take, including a green powder I credited with helping me avoid several colds that burned through our household leaving me unscathed. Even though I knocked on several pieces of wood, the thing happened that always happens to me, which is, I brag about a thing not happening to me and then it happens to me five minutes later. I felt a fever come on, then had a rough bout with a respiratory virus that left me shivering, coughing and lethargic for over a week.

I didn’t go to the gym and up until then, hadn’t missed a single workout in five months. I didn’t get any writing done. My to-do list covered in dust, incredibly important, must do things. Then I despaired, believing I lost ground with my health gains, lost time to meet goals. Then, as I do when left alone with my thoughts for too long, combined with fatigue, worried that all the things I wanted out of my career— all the the things I hoped to build for my family and my parents— would never happen. And what would become of me then?

So when the actor said, “all I really wanted was here with me, the entire time,” I stopped slathering peanut butter on bread and actually understood what he was saying.

Shortly after, I received a call that a loved one needed to be admitted to the hospital— and it was serious.

I hung up and felt rushed, this full body sensation I was running late. That the timer was about to ding and it was all gonna burn. “God,” I said hastily, as if I was leaving an urgent voicemail, “I believe in all the things you’ve placed on my heart, but we really need to speed things up.”

Shortly after, I came across Mark 9:24 where a devastated man begs Jesus to help his son. Jesus says, “Anything is possible for one who believes” and the man says, “I believe! Help my unbelief!”

Through the years, the phrasing of this verse has always given me a little pause. I believe, but I don’t! Usually I move past it, assuming that the man believes, but he’s still struggling to really, actually, for real this time, believe. Miracles are hard to get our mind around. Doubt, creeps in. I’ve been there many, many times.

But today I took special notice. So I dug deeper and I discovered that the word for “unbelief” in greek is translated more specifically to “distrust.” The man could be interpreted as saying, “I believe, but help my distrust.”

I thought of all the times I believed in the things I feel God has placed on my heart, but then as time and disappointments and setbacks have plowed into my life, I’ve doubted his willingness to do those things, for me.

Then I got misty eyed and grew tired of myself.

Poppy crawled into my lap, touched my face and whispered, “Lucy picked a booger and hid it under her pillow.”

I laughed.

What more could I possibly want?

When I was a little girl, my dad used to put me in high places and tell me to jump into his arms. And I’d leap, without a single doubt of his ability, and his willingness, to catch me. I believed so fully, so completely. Falling to the ground never, not once, crossed my mind.

And even though my dad spoiled me with his affection and gifts, all I really remember was wanting him. The comfort, the security, the peace, the joy, his love. And the adventure! Leaping off countertops, soaring in the air. Riding high on his shoulders. How different the world looks from up there! The wonder of it all.

He provided for my needs, and all I had to do was enjoy my life.

That’s what I want.

That’s what I’ve always wanted.

And it’s been here with me, the entire time. Help my unbelief.

____

Today wasn’t my normal “Sunyay! Digest,” I know, but I wanted to write to you because this was on my heart today. Thank you for your patience as I recover from my illness and family matters. We’ll be back to business next week. <3