Am I cool and fun or super cringe?

When giving someone my book as a surprise became entirely too dumb and the piece of advice I'll always remember.

One thing I least understand about myself is how I can be so riddled with contradictions. A braid woven from strands of opposites, yet all somehow me.

For instance, I’m horrible at sales. I’d be sheepish trying to sell a $1 bottle of water to a millionaire dying of thirst in a desert. I’m even worse at selling myself. I try to resist the urge to feel bad my book isn’t free and I too need to make a living. What’s worse, if people don’t know who I am and ask what I do, I get embarrassed sharing I’m a book author/speaker. Who knows why, but I think it’s because people will often act surprised and delighted at first, then trickle out vibes they feel bad they aren’t familiar with my work. Then I feel weird they feel that way and it’s all just dumb. Or maybe they don’t feel bad and I’m just projecting—whatever, I’m just saying, it’s hard up on these streets!

Yet at the same time, I’ll catch myself unable to shut up about it, injecting my book writing into conversations where it doesn’t belong. “Did you find everything okay?” the cashier asks while bagging my cottage cheese. “Oh yes, I did—and it’s a wonder since I was so distracted! I’m working on my third book and there’s just so much going on. I think it’ll be my best yet because I’m at my most vulnerable,” I say, shoving my credit card into the slot. “It’s fun writing a book, but it can also be really hard, you know? I’m pouring my soul onto these pages! What’s that? Yes, my books are available everywhere, even here at Target! Oh no, sorry, I misunderstood- no, I don’t need the receipt. Thanks.”

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Recently I sold a bed frame on Facebook Marketplace and I need to be careful because I could write an entire book about my experiences on Marketplace and how the way people behave on it are everything that’s wrong with society, but now isn’t the time. Anyway, a very normal, incredibly sweet young mother of two wanted it. She was more friendly and personable than I was used to, and we even chatted a bit about how she was going to decorate her child’s room with the bed. She shared she was expecting a third and I was just so delighted for her precious growing family I thought when her husband came to pick up the frame, I’d give her a signed copy of my latest book. I loved to read when I was pregnant, and especially the first two weeks after giving birth when there isn’t much to do but eat, feed and sleep.

But as the time approached for her husband to arrive, I was really overthinking it and got cold feet. Am I embarrassing myself here? Poor girl just wants a bed at a good price and I’m all like, “By the way, I wrote a book. Here, I signed it for you. You’re welcome.” Is that cool and fun or super cringe?

Yeah, no, I couldn’t risk it. Who do I think I am, JK Rowling?

But also, I couldn’t back out because I already wrote her a note inside.

Em- thanks for not being weird on the marketplace, and for also not saying you’ll be there to pick it up at 5 and then ghosting, then not returning my “Are you still interested?” messages like descent human beings are supposed to do. xx Anna

And the chances of me meeting another girl named Em on marketplace who behaved decently and also wants my book were virtually impossible and who wants to waste a good book?  

Rob emerged from his office to refill his coffee, so I thought I’d ask him if it was weird to give her husband my book and he was like, “Uh, I dunno.” I already knew it was a mistake to ask him, what the hell does he know? I already wrote inside! “She’ll either love it or think you’re weirdly promoting yourself. Tough call babe.”

Wow. If I wanted his advice, I would have asked him.

Cozy up to Anna’s books for a real good laugh.

Then a get a few for your friends <3

Any confidence I had left was completely gone now and her husband was pulling up in our driveway. I decided to go for broke, put the book underneath my arm and met him outside where we had the frame in our garage. She already Venmo’d me the funds, so I figured I’d make it real quick. The frame should be easy to load, so when he was done I’d give him the book casually and say it’s a fun read for a pregnant mama, yell “Congrats!” and trot my way back inside my house where I’d promptly forget all about it.

But, unfortunately, his car was a rental and he wasn’t sure how to put down the seats. So now I faced an awkward delay as he struggled to get the seats down and I was just standing there, hovering over him, with my book in my hands like a buffoon.

Then it got worse. As he loaded the frame in, it was getting caught on something and it was clear he needed another set of hands. Oh great! So, where do I put my book down, exactly—the one with my face all big on the cover? He’s gonna look at that then look at me and be like, “What’s going on here?”

In a flash, I thought to just chuck my book into the bushes and right as I was about to he asked, “So, you’re an author?” Oh god, he saw the book, I groaned. “My wife saw it on your profile.”

Praise the Good Lord, he gave me an entry so I didn’t have to humiliate myself!

“Yes, I am! And your wife was so sweet I thought she might want a fun read for when she has down time with the baby.” I handed him the book then tried to make a break for it. But he was so sweet about it and after we said our goodbyes, he held up the book and said another thank you. I moseyed back into the house where my phone went off in my pocket. It was my mom and I shared my harrowing experience trying to avoid being cringy to a poor girl just wanting a nice bed for her kids. After we laughed at me almost chucking my book in the bushes I asked if she thought Rob was right. “Would my gesture make her day or does it look like I’m just promoting myself?”

“The answer to that comes down to one thing,” she told me. “What was the motive in your heart?”

Oh.

It’s so easy to talk ourselves out of doing good things for others because we worry it’ll be ill-received and even worse, they’ll think we’re morons. But it should always be our motive that casts a light towards our next steps, not our fear of what others may think.

Simple.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to message Em and ask her to kindly leave a review when she’s done.